Silent Emotions
by chibigoten25
Summary: Collection of drabbles and one-shots from Gundam Seed Destiny. Mostly (but not limited to) Athrun and Cagalli. Rated M for mature themes, just in case.


**Unspoken**

**Disclaimer: This is by Sunrise and Fukuda. None of it is mine.**

* * *

I have never been a Meyrin fan. I have also never liked writing from the first-person point of view. But I've made an exception for this because I felt that Meyrin's character and her role in Destiny was a crucial one when it comes to Cagalli and Athrun's story. So I thought of making this the first chapter in this drabble and one-shot collection.

This may seem Meyrin-centric, but this is actually about Athrun and Cagalli.

I am still hoping that with Destiny being remastered, the loose ends and vague ending will be more definite in the remastered version. I am screaming for a real closure, darn it!

So this story is based on the original version, and not the remastered one (not that it makes much difference to-date as far as Athrun and Cagalli's story goes). Enjoy!

* * *

_I am a misfit._

Since my sister and I were children, the stark contrast between us was obvious to anyone who bothered to observe.

They said redheads were fiery, passionate and wild; but I was unfortunately meek, soft-spoken, and even deemed as socially awkward among my peers.

The long line of the Hawke bloodline have been part of ZAFT for generations; that is why when my sister decided to enlist in ZAFT as a mobile suit pilot, I felt the pressure build up. The moment she graduated from military Academy, she became one of the rare group of young women in the history of the renowned Academy to successfully make it as a Redcoat, and to top it off, a future Mobile Suit pilot to graduate from the Academy.

Being what everyone labeled as 'Genius' in Computer Engineering, I possessed a natural talent for hacking, in particular. I never knew that a few years later, that talent would be my ticket to ZAFT's infamous warship during the Second War - the Minerva.

Who would have guessed that it would lead me to meet one of the famous men whose name would be spoken for generations to come – whether in the PLANTs, in Orb, or on Earth. The one who turned my life around, the one I was willing to sacrifice my world for, and the one I eventually realized I could never have.

* * *

It was during my Academy days when I first heard of his name. He was one of the Redcoats who had enough talent, skill and intelligence to be part of the elite La Creuset team.

While everyone knew that his father had been the PLANTs Supreme Council Chairman at the time, everyone was aware that Athrun Zala's military position was justified by his achievements, his tactical skills and his brains, not merely by political influences or backgrounds.

At the age of sixteen, he was reported to have defeated the formidable and invincible Mobile Suit, the Strike – it was that victory that led him to be one of the youngest to receive the coveted Order of Nebula.

On the non-political grapevine, I have also heard the news about his engagement to Pop Idol Lacus Clyne. Despite all the media attention on their engagement, however, Athrun's photographs were rarely in the newspapers. He was reported to dislike media attention, and was a very private person.

I came across his Military photographs – I heard he was a top marksman and that he won most of the sports competitions in the Academy. He was standing among his fellow Redcoats who would be part of the La Creuset team during the First War – his face was handsome, kind and gentle. It made me wonder how it would be like to meet him in person or to fight alongside him.

* * *

After the First War, I resumed my studies and then I realized how the history books in the Academy erased most of the stories about Patrick Zala, and eventually, the entire Zala family. No one wanted to speak about the Zalas; it was considered taboo.

I happened to ask one of my classmates once, and she shared to me that during the First War, Athrun Zala disappeared for good and has unofficially defected from ZAFT. There were rumours spreading around about his whereabouts, and some gossiped that he was dead, or probably ran off somewhere with Lacus Clyne after she and her father Seigel Clyne also betrayed ZAFT.

But when I finally got to meet The Athrun Zala in the flesh, I found out that he had been in Orb after the First War. He arrived as the bodyguard of Orb's Chief Representative, Cagalli Yula Athha. But Athrun Zala was not his name then – it was Alex Dino.

When Athrun finally revealed his real identity and re-enlisted with ZAFT at the invitation and endorsement of the new Chairman Gilbert Durandall, I began to slowly get to know him.

I realized how talented he actually was as a soldier – he had the wisdom that he unselfishly shared with his comrades, a quiet and subtle charisma that drew people to him, was able to develop well-calculated combat tactics, offensive maneuvers and counterattacks in a short span of time. But most of all, he was an impressive mobile suit pilot.

I honestly did not know what came to me when I started to feel irritated whenever my sister tried to get close to him. I suddenly felt insecure whenever I looked at myself and felt as if I was gaining weight, or whenever I saw him and Lacus Clyne together. Most especially, I had no idea why I pretended to lose my balance at the time during Miss Clyne's concert. But being the perfect gentleman he was, he kindly and gently steadied me and led me out of the crowd. Part of me wondered if he had noticed that bumping into him was actually done on purpose.

Whenever I saw him pass by the halls in the Minerva, he always wore such a somber and distant expression – somewhat sad, sometimes frustrated, sometimes angry. But most of the time, he always kept his calm and maintained his composure. He rarely smiled, and never laughed.

I also observed him subtly from afar whenever he sat with Miss Clyne for breakfast on every other day. He would always have a look of indifference towards her, sometimes even looked slightly worn-out. It was the first time I wondered if he had already met someone who had caused a change of heart within this man.

I thought, _that girl must be so lucky._

* * *

The turning point of my life was definitely when he walked into my room and I realized that he was in mortal danger. In that short span of time, I made a decision to save his life – it did not matter why. It did not matter that it would mean my death and my family's reputation when they found out that their daughter had aided the escape of a fugitive, and that I betrayed ZAFT, the PLANTS, and had effectively committed the crime of treason.

It also did not matter how willing I was to sacrifice everything I had. I knew that from that point when Shinn sunk Athrun and I into the cold and dark sea, that if I were to die, I would welcome death like an old friend knowing that I did what I knew was the right thing at the time. And if I were to survive this, my life would never be the same again, but I would learn to live with my decisions.

* * *

When he and I regained consciousness, we found ourselves aboard the same ship that the Minerva has been trying to sink over the past few times that they have encountered each other in battle – the Archangel.

When I found out that there was another Lacus Clyne – the real one, at least – I began to feel convinced that I might have really made the right decision to save Athrun's life, after all. Being in the Archangel made me re-evaluate the past, what everyone in the Minerva was made to believe, and whether the path that Chairman Durandall was leading everyone to was actually the right one.

Athrun was too weak to walk around the ship, but he was always so restless especially when Orb was attacked following the news that Lord Djibril, the leader of the so-called Merchants of Death, LOGOS, was found in the country. So I made sure that I was always beside him to ensure that he was alright, and that he had someone who could support him when he needed to move around the ship.

Sitting next to him as we watched Shinn's Destiny Gundam and the golden Mobile Suit called Akatsuki battle each other, my curiosity got the better of me when I heard Athrun lose his composure for the first time since I met him, aside from the time when he punched Shinn in the face when the latter boasted about the fact that he had finally shot down the mobile suit that could rival the infamous Strike, the Freedom Gundam. He screamed out, with his voice filled with worry, 'Cagalli!'

It did not mean much to me, nor did I pay much attention, until I saw him watching her subtly whenever she was present. I began to notice how he would silently and intently listen to her speeches on television. He also had that warmth in his eyes and small smile on his face whenever she was around him.

When I came across her before the Archangel left for space, she told me to take care of 'him'. She did not have to say the name – it was as if she and I shared this mutual understanding, and mutual feelings for the same man. That was the moment that the pieces of the puzzle that had plagued my mind for some time suddenly came together, and it dawned on me that over the past two years that Athrun spent his time in Orb as Alex Dino, bodyguard to Cagalli Yula Athha – no, it may have been for longer than that – he and the Orb Princess may have shared mutual feelings for each other. They may as well have been secret lovers.

There was something in the Orb Princess's eyes that gave her feelings away when she asked me to look after Athrun because she could not join them during the Final Battle in space. In her warm and sincere eyes, I saw love, pain, suffering, and trust. As she walked away with her head held high despite the burden of her duty and her willingness to sacrifice her happiness for the sake of peace and her country, I began to understand, even after such a brief encounter, why Athrun Zala had fallen in love with her.

I also started to realize that if they had known each other during the First War, she may have known about Athrun's past and accepted him despite everything. I began to think how childish and shallow my feelings were compared to Ms Athha's. But still, wasn't I the one who was willing to sacrifice everything I had to save his life? Ms Athha, on the other hand, chose her country and duty over him. Never mind that I probably did it partly because of my undeniable attraction for him – nobody could deny that he was one of the most good-looking men I have met, one of the most charismatic, intelligent and talented. But most of all, he had a very strong sense of justice. And I believed in him.

* * *

After the war, the real Lacus Clyne was announced as the new Chairwoman of the PLANTs. Athrun and I were briefly tried and eventually pardoned by the Council, and after a year, I decided to end my military career and enter a public university to study Psychology and Political Science.

Athrun and I sometimes met up for coffee, and had a catch-up session on everybody's lives.

There were times when I felt brave enough to ask him out to dinner, and wondered if he would take the hint, but he would always smile and say, 'Sure, we should ask your sister and Shinn sometime too. It's been a while since everyone got together.' I always found an excuse to cancel those group dates.

It took a while for me to accept that he was never going to see me for myself. He was always looking at something far beyond me; his emerald eyes and his rarely present smile can only reflect warmth for one person, and one person alone. Not I, or anything I was willing to do for him could change those deep feelings that he shared with that person who was miles away back on Earth.

Athrun always watched the Orb Princess with pride and with a hint of loneliness. Sometimes, I could see myself in him – the wistful expression he had whenever he watched her on live broadcasts, flipped over a magazine that featured her, the frown that bloomed in his smooth forehead whenever a man was reported to have tried to ask for her hand in marriage. Athrun watched the Orb Princess with pride and with a hint of loneliness.

'Have you ever felt hope and hopelessness at the same time?' He asked off-handedly during one of their coffee sessions while he watched a live broadcast of Ms Attha in one of the massive public television units that was conveniently mounted opposite them.

I watched him with an expression that mirrored his wistful and lonely expression, although I knew he would never see me and realize the way I looked at him.

I replied in a voice so low that I hope he missed it, 'I do, Athrun-san. Trust me, I know.'

That was when I learned to accept that he was indeed a mirror of me. And it hurt to realize that the depth of my feelings for him could not compare to how deep his feelings and love ran for Miss Athha.

As much as I felt so lost and wanted more than anything to see him happy, how was I supposed to let go of someone who was never mine to begin with?

* * *

They met again at a Gala Dinner at the PLANTs a few months later - a private affair hosted by Chairwoman Lacus Clyne and Commander Kira Yamato to announce their engagement to the people who were closest to them.

Among the attendees were crew members of the Archangel, Yzak Joule and Dearka Elthman of the ZAFT Supreme Council who fought alongside the legged ship during the First War, the Legendary Desert Tiger, and a few surviving crew members of the Minerva.

From the grand marble staircase, her arrival was announced. She walked down the stairs alone, her blonde hair slightly longer than the last time we met. It was pulled back into a half-updo, secured by a jewel pin. Her long green dress was so beautifully complemented by the simple diamond necklace that swung softly everytime she moved. Under the soft and warm glow of the sparkling crystal chandelier that hung on the high marble ceiling, her hair glowed like a halo, the sparkle of her diamonds making her look like a nymph, or an angel who has just descended from heaven. Cagalli Yula Athha – she was natural beauty, passion, intelligence, justice, rebellion, fire and warmth added together to create a warrior princess in her own right – the only woman who was worthy for the man named Athrun Zala.

My eyes tore away from her, when I heard someone call my name from behind. I turned, and I found myself face to face with the same handsome midnight blue-haired man who was no less than a warrior himself, her red Knight – a being who was created to fight and protect, and the only man who was worthy enough to have the Princess.

He was watching her from the rim of his wine glass. He was irresistibly attractive with his black coat and his hair slightly pulled back in a loose ponytail. How could I have not noticed just how he had matured over the past few months – his features were sharper, possibly making him more handsome.

'She's as beautiful as ever, isn't she?' I asked, jerking my head towards the Orb Princess.

Athrun flashed his half smile. 'She is.'

He had that tone in his voice again - that lonely and wistful tone that I could not bear to hear from him. At that moment I wanted to bonk him on the head and admonish him.

Instead I stood up straight and without looking but ensuring that my voice was loud enough for him to hear despite the chatter around us, I said, 'So what are you still waiting for? Go and approach her. Ask her for a dance or drink.'

I could feel him look at me in surprise. Finally, I sighed exasperatedly and turned to him.

'You still love her so much don't you? I see that longing look in your eyes when you look at her. The way you sound when you talk about her. And I know that Ms Clyne has already recommended you for a position in Orb. So what is stopping you?'

It took a moment before he spoke.

'It's more complicated than that, Meyrin. I have to atone for many things. I have to make sure that no war breaks again over what my Father's legacy left.'

Meyrin tried to keep her tears from flowing as she clenched her fists tightly.

'How long are you going to have to suffer for doing things that you knew were the right thing to do at that time? How long will you be chained by your father's sins? You were living in the past and left the only person who still means the world to you. Now you want to continue to live in the past and sacrifice your happiness again. Let go, Athrun. It's time that you live in the present and live for the future.'

I saw Athrun's grip get tighter on his wine glass. He looked away.

'Meyrin, it's not time yet. There are many things that need to be done. I have hurt her and the wounds have not healed yet. I can't afford to reopen them and force myself into her life again.'

I had to keep myself from screaming at him in frustration. But I tried to keep my voice calm.

'But Athrun, if you are afraid to take that chance, there may never be another one. The wounds may not have healed yet, but knowing her, I am certain that she has forgiven you a long time ago. Now it's time for you to let her heal you.'

I tugged at his sleeves lightly to make him look at me and added, 'Nothing is certain in this world, Athrun. You should know that better than I do. You are a warrior, you are a soldier. You have your duties. But above all that, you are also still a man. Miss Athha may have her duties and different roles, but she is also still a woman. Why must that be allowed to continuously suffer when both of you have been through so much already? You can still protect and make a change, you can still be a soldier, you can still make up for everything if that is what you wish to accomplish. But it does not have to be in the PLANTs. You have to break the ties that keep binding you in the past.'

When he did not say anything I gave his back a light push and grabbed his wine glass away from his hands. Before he could say a word, I ordered, 'Go to Orb and start anew, Athrun. To her.'

Athrun did not say anything for a few seconds. He took a deep breath and slowly turned to me.

Then for the first time in ages, he smiled down at me, touching my shoulder gently and giving it a small squeeze, murmuring, 'Thank you, Meyrin.'

I stood there in the middle of the crowd and watched his back as he made his way toward his Princess. I ignored the tugging pain that clenched my heart – why should I feel this way when he was never mine to begin with? When he never saw me as a woman no matter what I tried to do? My role is done – I brought the Red Knight back to his rightful place.

I watched them with a small smile on my face as she looked mildly shocked when he appeared beside her. For a few seconds, they looked as if they were wrapped up in their own fantasy world – exchanging equal looks of longing and suppressed love for each other, before he finally leaned in to whisper something to her, and she smiled back, nodding. He took her hand and led her into the dance floor, twirling her before finally catching her in his arms and wrapping one arm securely on her slim waist.

I stared down at the wine that Athrun drank from, and I downed the bittersweet liquid within a few seconds. The night drew on; as the rest of the guests danced to the tune of different types of music that night, I think I lost count of how many songs have passed before the two of them finally let go of each other and disappeared into the crowd, with Athrun taking her by the hand.

The sight itself tasted like the wine that lingered in my lips and tongue - bittersweet.

My thoughts drifted back at the time when he asked me that question back at that cafe.

_'Have you ever felt hope and hopelessness at the same time?'_

At the time, I wondered how I could ever let him go when he was never mine in the first place.

It never occurred to me until this day just how much the idea hurt me twice - the fact that I had to let him go, and the fact that he was never mine.

But the smile on his face was enough to numb the throbbing ache in my heart.

* * *

Three years later, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. It was a beautiful and intimate affair.

As I sat there with the rest of the guests whispering excitedly about the couple, I watched them and their blissful faces as they twirled around the dancefloor like they did three years ago when they reunited.

He held her so tightly yet so gently, as if she was the most fragile being in the Universe. His emerald eyes melted into a warm and loving gaze as she moved close and whispered something to him. For the first time since we met, I have never seen Athrun so happy. I had to look away when everybody cheered as the couple leaned in for a kiss.

A few minutes later, he turned to me and asked me to dance – it was probably our first and last dance. He was, as ever, the same Gentleman I had met years ago. But something has changed in him – he was glowing in undeniable happiness, smiled more, even laughed openly. I was happy for him.

Miss Athha came over to me after the dance and smiled warmly at me, the same way she did years ago when I was sixteen and she was eighteen. However, instead of her Military uniform, she was wearing a beautiful white dress of silk and tulle, her beaded veil flowing behind her and her golden hair framing her angelic face.

She hugged me tightly and whispered, 'Thank you, Meyrin. For everything.'

God knows how much strength and will it took for me to not break into tears. Instead, I hugged her back and say, 'Please be happy. Make him happy.' It was like mutual understanding. No more words needed to be said any further between us.

* * *

I caught the bouquet that day. As everyone cheered happily, my eyes landed upon a man with wavy brown hair, who smiled lovingly up at me. I winked at him as I waved the bouquet over to his direction, the diamond ring on my left ring finger sparkling under the evening lights, as dazzling as the stars that blanketed the evening sky above us. And when I looked into his golden eyes and smile, I felt that I could see myself in him. This time, those looks were meant for me.

I am still a misfit, but this time I had someone who loved me for it. And it felt amazingly beautiful.


End file.
